I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
