Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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