burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
