I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
