She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
