he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
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My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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