and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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