mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You can't just leave with hair like that
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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