Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
