bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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