She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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