Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
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The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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