It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
