its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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