Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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