I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
