I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
