Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
