first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
