Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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