I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
