Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
