$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
