I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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