mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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