i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
And then he peed in my hair
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