We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
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I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
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This baby is an asshole
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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