just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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