Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
