The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Randomize
