If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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