Me. At least after what I've been through.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
