You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
