Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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