wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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