moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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