My friends, they love my intelligence
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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