Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
