im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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