nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
