pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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