I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
