i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
