The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
