hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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