Banned from zoo.
Again?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
