I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
