I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
