HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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