Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
