she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
