swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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