just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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