Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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