I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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