So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
