he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
