So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
