Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
