he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
