Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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